Is Your Child's First Bully Closer Than You Think

We don’t like to admit it, but sometimes a child’s first bully isn’t a classmate on the playground... it’s their own parent.

I’m not saying parents don’t love their kids. I’m saying that sometimes, without realizing it, we end up parenting from the pain we haven’t healed yet. Those unhealed wounds have a way of spilling over and our kids feel it.

How It Happens

1. Unhealed Pain Becomes Projection

If you were shamed for crying as a kid, you might tell your child, “Stop being so sensitive.”It might feel like “tough love,” but to them, it’s rejection. This is called emotional invalidation, and research links it to higher anxiety and lower self-esteem (Psychology Today).

2. Control Replaces Connection

Micromanaging or nitpicking every detail may come from fear, not cruelty — but kids often hear “you’re not enough.” Studies show controlling parenting is tied to higher anxiety and depression (PMC Study).

3. Repeating What Was Learned

If love in your home growing up was tied to performance, you might unknowingly recreate that praise for achievement, distance for failure.

4. Shame as Motivation

“You’ll never get anywhere if you keep this up” might feel like motivation to you, but to them it’s a wound they’ll carry.

Awareness Is Step One And Action Is Step Two

Here are 4 steps I share with parents both moms and dads to start breaking the cycle:

1. Pause Before You Speak Ask: Am I responding from my hurt or my love?
2. Swap Shame for CuriosityChange “That was dumb” to “What happened? What could you try next time?” (First Things First).
3. Affirm Without Conditions“I love watching you try, no matter the outcome.”
4. Get Support for Your HealingBreaking patterns is tough alone. Coaching, therapy, or mentors can help you see blind spots (Parents.com).

You don’t have to parent from your pain — you can parent from your healing. Healing yourself might be the most powerful gift you ever give your child.

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