Growth Starts When You Stop Defending the Man You Used to Be By Sharif Colbert, LifeCoachATL
- LifeCoachATL
- Sep 24
- 3 min read
Too many of us cling to old habits and call it “just who I am.” How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said that? Well, let me be the first to tell you… that’s an excuse. An excuse to stay stuck where you are.
Your kids don’t need the old version of you. They need the man who’s willing to evolve. And here’s the truth: the longer you defend your old self, the longer you delay becoming the father, the partner, the man your family deserves right now.
The Victim Mindset
Here’s the other trap a lot of us men fall into: playing the victim. We walk around pointing fingers at everybody else, our ex, our kids, our boss, our upbringing and wonder why nothing changes. The victim mindset keeps you from actually doing the work.
I’ve been there too. It was easier for me to say “look what they did to me” than to look in the mirror and admit I was part of the problem. But let me tell you, staying in victim mode will block your blessings every single time. It might feel safe, but it will keep you stuck.
The moment I stopped blaming and started owning my role, things shifted. That’s when growth began.
Fatherhood, Relationships, and Manhood
As a dad, I had to face this head-on. There were times I told my son to “man up” instead of listening to his feelings. Times with my daughters where I dismissed their world because it wasn’t mine. And moments where my anger made me explosive instead of patient.
I thought I was doing the best I could but the truth is, I was doing what was comfortable for me, not what my kids needed. That’s the hard pill most dads and men have to swallow.
This doesn’t just apply to parenting. It’s in relationships with partners, with friends, even at work. If you keep showing up as the old version of yourself, you’re going to keep getting the same broken results.
So How Do You Change?
Growth isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing the work every day to show up better than you did yesterday. Here are three steps that helped me and that I use with the dads I coach:
Get Honest With Yourself Stop hiding behind “this is just who I am.” Ask yourself: is this really serving me? Is it serving the people I love? If not, it’s time to change.
Be Consistent One good day doesn’t fix years of damage. Show up, over and over, in a new way. Consistency is what builds trust with your kids, with your partner, with yourself.
Find Accountability Growth doesn’t happen in isolation. For me, it was therapy, coaching, and my kids telling me the truth about how I made them feel. For you, it might be a coach, a trusted friend, or a support group. Accountability keeps you moving forward when excuses try to pull you back.
Final Word
Men, whether you’re a dad or not, this matters. Your kids, your partner, your future self, they all need you to stop defending the man you used to be and start building the man you’re capable of becoming.
And if you’re stuck in victim mode, hear me on this: you’ll never grow as long as you’re blaming everyone else. Own your part, do the work, and watch your life transform.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s worth it. And I’m living proof.
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